Intellect and emotional intelligence are very different things. The former is the cognitive ability to synthesize and analyze data; to problem-solve and make associations based on available information.
The latter is a set of innate and learned skills which facilitate relationships and enable a person to negotiate more easily through all areas of life.
Intellect can be measured by standardized IQ tests but there is no actual measure of the “EQ,” or Emotional Quotient. Even without a test, it’s obvious when someone has a high IQ and it’s just as obvious when someone has a high EQ.
Rather than try to measure it, though, it’s more useful to look at the various elements that go into emotional intelligence.
While the IQ remains stable over a person’s lifetime, the EQ can be developed. Acquiring and practicing the following elements will enable you to boost your EQ.
The first element of emotional intelligence is empathy. The ability to understand what other people are feeling will make you more sensitive and aware and will result in more meaningful relationships. (this is true, but the real boon of empathy vs. sociopathy is reading minds)
The second element is the recognition that your actions have consequences. This understanding will enable you to make conscious choices in your life and to avoid unnecessary difficulties. (like giving you grandfather a heart-attack, so we are talking about the unforeseeable consequences of social relations, not simply physical consequences)
Third on the list is good judgment. The gift of making well-thought-out decisions and seeing people for who they really are will maximize the possibilities of success in all areas of your life. (this is true, but what we're really talking about is 'good judgement' about other people, not good judgement about the weather, or how long it will take to learn to drive)
Number four is personal responsibility. When you hold yourself unaccountable and don’t blame anyone else for YOUR mistakes or misfortunes, you are empowered to change things for the better. Other people respect you, because you own up to your part in your relationships. (own your mistakes, not others, unless it helps with manipulating them)
The fifth element is insight. The ability to see yourself clearly and to understand your own motivations allows for the possibility of personal growth. Insight into others allows you to have a greater impact in your relationships. (manipulation)
Element number six is mental flexibility. Being able to change your mind or to see things from different points of view makes it possible for you to navigate all sorts of relationships and to succeed where other, more 'rigid thinkers' would fail. (cognitive dissonance gives one moral flexibility)
The seventh element is compassion. Being honest with yourself can be painful but with a kind and gentle attitude, it’s much easier. (I think she's speaking of forgiveness, not just understanding)
This type of compassion facilitates personal transformation (i.e. public humbleness), while compassion toward others supports deeper, more loving connections. (i.e. codependence and loyalty through extortion)
The eighth element is integrity. Following through on commitments and keeping your promises creates much good-will in personal and professional relationships and promotes success in both arenas. (this is true, live to your word or else)
Ninth on the list is impulse control. Thinking before speaking or acting gives you a chance to make deliberate, even sophisticated choices about how you present yourself to others. (seems to contradict honesty and integrity) Not acting out of primitive impulses, urges or emotions avoids social embarrassment. (perhaps the problem is the society, no one should be embarrassed)
The tenth element is the ability to defer gratification (goes with nine). It’s one thing to want something but the ability to put off having it is empowering (the ability to endure frustration, and feign dispassion is a good tactical move) . Mastery of your needs allows you to prioritize around life goals.
Number eleven on the list is perseverance. Sticking with something, especially when it’s challenging, allows you to see it through to completion and demonstrates to others that you are dependable and potentially a high achiever. (dependable? high achiever?)
The twelfth and final element is courage. Emotional courage (as opposed to the physical variety) is the ability to do the right thing, see the truth, open your heart and trust yourself and others enough to be vulnerable, even if all this is frightening. This causes others hold you in high regard. (yea, that's what is important, what other's think about you)
All these elements combine within you to make up your emotional intelligence. With a high EQ, even a simple person is at an advantage in life. Without it, even someone with the most brilliant intellect is at a disadvantage.
© Marcia Sirota 2010 For More about Dr Sirota,
Having written extensively about healthy relationships, I believe seven simple steps will make it possible for you to have the best possible relationship. These are:
- There’s no substitute for good communication. Expecting your partner to read your mind and know your needs and feelings without you having to tell them is a recipe for disaster. Assuming that you know what’s in your partner’s head without them telling you is equally problematic. Both people should be clear about what they want, how they feel, and what doesn’t work for them. This is the only way to know if you’re compatible.
- You can’t change the other person. It’s hard to change, and people won’t do it unless they’re highly motivated. That being said, it takes a lot of time and effort to make significant changes. Assuming that you can get your partner to quickly and permanently alter some fundamental belief or ingrained behavior just because you want them to is setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment.
- You won’t be happy if you’re not genuine. Trying to be a different person to please your partner will result in resentment toward your partner and dissatisfaction with the relationship. If you put on a false front, you’ll exhaust yourself. If your partner doesn’t know the real you, you’ll never feel truly loved.
- Tolerating the unacceptable or settling for less doesn’t work. When you continually put up with behavior that upsets you or constantly settle for less than what you need, you’ll be miserable. You’ll never know if your partner is capable of giving you what you want unless you ask for it.
- A relationship can’t thrive without mutual respect. You can’t take your problems out on each-other. Being together is not an excuse for dumping on one-another. Treating your partner with respect will deepen the trust and the love between you, whereas disrespect will undermine these bonds.
- When you value yourself, you’re more likely to be valued. You can’t expect to be loved and respected if you don’t love and respect yourself. If you walk around with low self-esteem, you’re far more likely to attract losers who’ll want to exploit or mistreat you. When you’re confident and have good self-worth, you’ll attract happy, successful people who admire you and care about your well-being.
- A relationship can’t fix your emotional wounds or compensate for childhood losses. Your partner can’t heal you or complete you. You need to deal with the baggage from your past, or forever be doomed to re-enact painful scenes from your childhood and adolescence in your present relationship. Dealing with your past hurts and putting them behind you will free you to have an adult, empowered relationship in which two intact people come together to share their full lives with each-other.
If you follow these seven simple steps, you’ll increase your chances of having the most fulfilling, successful relationship possible.
- See more at: http://marciasirotamd.com/about-dr-sirotas-5-areas-of-focus/relationships#sthash.0ujK70v1.dpuf
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